Things We Learned at Giants-Bills-Mageddon 2011

Last year, when I realized that the Buffalo Bills would be making a trip to New Jersey to take on the Giants for their octo-annual meeting at the Meadowlands, I swooped right in and grabbed all my buddy Rich's tickets to the game. A plan was devised and a roster compiled that included myself & Val, Alana & Jesse, Andrea, Mickey, Kolin, Jon and Garba. We knew the game would be fun but when the Bills started the season hot, the excitement mounted to a pretty high level. And then there was this: My mom suggested that I wear the opposing team's jersey and consequently my dad wouldn't stop talking about my friend Jon's jersey, which happened to be a very dashing version of the OPPOSING TEAM'S JERSEY!

In the end, Bills at Giants was one of the best football games I've ever been to. It boasted two teams with winning records and strong offenses, it was played on a beautiful day and was an exciting game from start to finish. A few days after the game, Jon tweeted about something that happened while we were tailgating that he probably should have known about. The significance of that is that the night before Bills-Giants, we watched "Forrest Gump", which is a movie about a guy who learns things that he clearly should know. And between Jon and Forrest both learning the obvious perhaps a bit later than the average bear, I bring you "The Things We Learned at Giants-Bills-Mageddon 2011":

• After seeing Forrest Gump for the 286th time, you not only know every plot hole, but you start to find logic holes. Case in point: Remember when Jenny throws the rocks at her childhood home? Well, when you slow it down, it turns out that there were maybe two rocks on the ground, yet she threw about eight. On top of that, she threw the same rock four times using the same throwing motion each time--and she also used her same face each time. The scene ends with Forest sitting down next to her on the ground and saying, "Sometimes, there just aren't enough rocks."
• You find that your friends laugh at you when you recall a story from the middle of the night before when you were cussing out your cat because he wouldn't let you sleep. One of said friends isn't laughing the following morning. Instead, he's empathizing with you as he explains that he almost put your cat outside because it wouldn't let him sleep.
• You hear that on the Mayor's 12 hour hike the day before, he nearly died a few times and either stood or walked for the entire 12 hours. Then you find out that there are more plot holes in the Mayor's hiking story than Forrest Gump's life story! For instance: 1) The Mayor said that he never sat, yet the outdoor chairs in his car trunk were wet (he claimed that it was from wet clothes), 2) He had to remove his shoes and socks to go across a river, yet he somehow did this without sitting and 3) He starts talking about how poorly marked the unmarked trails were. After arguing these plot holes with him, you stop arguing and explain to him that you can't fall and nearly die without leaving your feet!

• You learn that New Jersey grocery stores don't sell beer before noon on Sundays and have a panic attack before realizing that the beer store closer to the stadium does sell beer. You've now learned these things for the seventh or eighth time. (Note: No beer would've been a huge problem, since we all now know that JG doesn't drink Coors Light since it's associated with a bad Giants loss)
• Via @jaery33's tweet: "While tailgating I found out my car battery died AND a bunch of people fixed it for me all while I competed in a polish horseshoe game meaning: A) I have great friends, B) Giants were helped karmically by their no-nonsense get-shit-done tailgating fans, C) I'm an idiot."
• While grilling burger patties, you ignite a grease fire so high that the seasoned tailgaters next to you ask, "What time's the hockey game? I see you're making some pucks on the grill!"

• You find someone more fun to pick on about an outdated/wrong numbered CJ Spiller jersey than The Mayor. Me to guy: "Hey! That Spiller jersey is outdated!" Guy: "I know! But what am I gonna do? I'm in the same boat that he's in." (gestures towards Mayor).
• The over/under for points scored in the game is 50. That's also the over/under of Kolin's ridiculous pumpkin bars that you attempt to eat before and after the game.
• Even though you're 30-years-old, married and on the verge of buying your first home, you decide to keep the "Never Grow Up" Gods honest by shoving a few Slim Jims in your sock and sneaking them past stadium security.

• It turns out that Giants fans will get insanely giggly if, on the way into the game, you slowly chant "Heeeere we goooooo Norrrrrwood. Heeeeeeere we GO!" and then follow it up by shouting, "Hey Norwood, the wind looks like it's blowing to the right! If anything, aim the kick to the left a bit!"
• You learn that Mickey put some action on one of the six 3-team teaser options he mentioned while you were tailgating. You later learn that you and him won that teaser.
• A female Bills fans get upset at you for celebrating and perhaps "Cackling" a bit to much. This poses the question: Who decides how much celebrating is too much celebrating? I say definitely not the opposing team's fans. So do Cack and Jesse.
• If you're the Bills defensive backs, you learned that the Manning-to-Nicks back shoulder thrown cannot be interfered with. It either happens or it doesn't happen.
• You've invented what you think is the greatest "leave the building after a great win" chant: "Es-ca-la-tor-shi-TALK! Es-ca-la-tor-shi-TALK! Es-ca-la-tor-shi-TALK! Es-ca-la-tor-shi-TALK!" Only you take the ramp down and you can't use that chant.
• You're driving home from the game and the only thing keeping you from falling asleep at the wheel and potentially killing your best friend and your brother's father-in-law and a Vietnam vet in a car crash is you slapping your self in the face. Oh wait! That was from "Things We Learned at Giants-Bills-Mageddon 2003"! (Note: This actually happened)

• You're extremely happy when it's been four days since the game where you worried about under cooking chicken Spiedies (from Owego!), yet nobody seems to have been visited yet by Mr. Monella; first name Sal.
• Finally in Jon's case, when he was being a smart ass and sending me a check for the tickets last month, he wrote a score prediction inside the envelope: "Bills 24 - Giants 17". He now realizes that he must've forgotten to carry the "1" on the Giants score. Final Score: "Bills 24 - Giants 27" (Note: The Bills also scored 24 points when they played at the Giants in 2003. But the Giants only put up 7 points that day)